#Inktober Owl

I have been trying to blog more often, with more of my artistic content.  So, have you heard of #inktober?  It was started by Jake Parker as a way to polish up inking skills.  (He also started the #artdropday).  I took a week long illustration class from Jake at a Writing and Illustrating For Young Readers a few years ago and soaked up some of his genius, at least that was the hope.  He's one of those ridiculously talented/practised artists that can draw so effortlessly that he makes the rest of us look bad.  But anyway, I digress. This is inktober day 1.  With many more to follow.

owl

 This owl is a sort of compilation of a couple of cute owls, and as such is not a specific breed of owl.  He was fun to draw and has a different look then my other Owl that I did in pencil.  (he is very specifically a barn owl)

Ironically an owl was the first thing I drew with that last hashtag media bandwagon I jumped on.  Weird.  Either way, that #365drawing frenzy gave me great fodder to digitally color and turn into nice finished polished pieces later.  And as I seem to sometimes need a push to produce artistic content in quantity, it seemed like a great idea to participate in this one too.  And goes along with my newly defined outlook and identity as artist first, and illustrator of books as an extension of that.  As opposed to primarily and almost solely identifying as a writer/illustrator of children's books.  Of which I have worked on for a long time, but have not published or even tried to publish any thing as yet.  Which was getting really discouraging.  Also since I had an almost single handed focus of working on my dummy book, I was taking hardly any work to a final polish.  I think I was too narrowly focused on a long term goal with very long term payoffs.  So although I will continue to eventually finish and then submit my dummy book, I am going to play at being an artist just for the sheer joy of creating content that I personally like to create and look at and polish my skills in the process. And not limit myself to other possibilities. 

My schpeil on Parenting

(I found this complete yet unpublished post kicking around in my drafts.. it still applies, and even though it is filled with summer pictures.. whatever.  I'm posting it anyway..)

good thing that kids are so cute

Parenting is super hard.  And we're all at different places, and we all have different natural strengths (and weaknesses) as parents that we are usually pretty self-aware of.  And its a touchy button because it is such an important job.  But parents aren't SUPPOSED to be perfect.  Kids have been raised by imperfect mistake making parents since the dawn of time.  And that is okay.  We're all just trying to do our best, and give our kids less therapy fodder.  Kids don't need perfection in parents, they just need love.  Love is a great band-aid.   That is at least what I tell myself when I am feeling overwhelmed by my parental mistakes and inadequacies.    It will all work out, because as much as we are responsible for teaching them, we cannot and do not control them.  They are their own little beings of choice and personality and strengths and weaknesses of their own.   And there is no one exact right way to do it.  Because every individual is different, so they need different things.  That is why it is so hard.  It takes insane amounts of inspiration, mistakes, learning the hard way, and trying a million trillion different things to solve all of the million different things that come up.   

See, who needs water parks?

 I guess I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  That I feel inadequate because I tend to fall on the non-hovering side of the parental spectrum, in that I DON'T do enough activities and run around business that I see other people doing.  My kids don't have swimming lessons (though they want and need them) (but I have taught them some on my own..) or ballet, or soccer or guitar lessons, or go to theme parks or have lots of play dates or any other fancy schmancy and or busy thing.   I am a homebody, I like to be at home.  It exhausts me to run around in the car everywhere.  (It doesn't help that I don't have extra unspoken for money laying around and I'm kind of a tightwad anyway..)  And at home I don't hover and play and constantly read to and play with my kids and always involve them in educational and creative activities.  And while I think that too much of anything can be harmful (independent play, and imagination are important thing for them to learn too).  I also know that they could use a little more one on one time.  I spend too much time escaping to surf the internet, sometimes for legitimate reasons, sometimes just mindless escapism.  sigh.   Yeah.  Parenting is a massive guilt button.  Wherever on the spectrum you fall.  It is really hard not to judge others OR yourself too harshly. 

good thing kids are pretty quick to forgive

On productivity and my general lack of it.

complete with personal neurosis

In yet another desperate attempt to be a better taskmaster for myself (ie. real grown-up) I have come up with again, another solution.  (Because I've certainly never addressed that issue on my blog before, ever...)  I need to be more accountable and organized and stuff, so I can be productive.  I don't really want to use (and thus use up, as it is almost full) my current planner, because then I'd have to make a new one... and I'm so crazy overwhelmed with creative projects right now I just cannot even fathom the thought of having to make a new one (even though I have already planned on what paper I want to make my new one with).  Therefore I re-adjusted the planner page I previously designed to a single page printout that I can just print off whenever I'd like, hang on the fridge, and throw away and such when I am done.  (as opposed to binding it all together in a beautiful, yet time consuming planner).  And I'm using it differently than I have my beautiful red planner.  It is basically a glorified "to do" list.  But without as much guilt... maybe.   ...hopefully.  I list things that need to be done on the right side and things that I DO on the left side.  (even if I list them retroactively)  Then I can both cross things off as I accomplish them and feel productive anyway with things I did that weren't on the list.  And whatever isn't done, if it deems itself worthy it can be moved to the next weeks list.  Or not, so as to not feel overly bogged down by OLD goals.  (I have weird mental tricks..) Who wants to do an old guilt laden thing, when there are bright and shiny new ideas to chase?  Which couldn't possibly be the reason for my creative buildup, right?

Also works for when you happen to decide you must go bunny shopping instead of everything else on your "to do" list

I may have ADD.. or clinically: ADHD-I, the sort with the inattentive subtype, but who really speaks that language ;).  Remember how I might be a mental hypochondriac?  Yeah... so who knows really.  I do know that I beat myself up for being lazy and am a massive procrastinator and I get crazy distracted by so many useless things ALL THE STUPID TIME!  And how I currently have no less than 26 uncompleted drafts of blog posts that I have started, but not finished.  And countless sewing projects that have been abandoned in various stages of completion.  And how I have been working on illustrating the children's book I wrote for going on something like 6 years.  And how sometimes the only time I get anything done is when I'm avoiding doing something else.  I should be able to get so much more done (even with kids.)  So, maybe I do have ADD.   But I'm thinking/hoping it isn't bad enough to warrant medication.. (what I have actually tried, it didn't help and I hated it)  This is my current way to fight back.  We'll see how well it works...

The glimmer of hope is that sometimes I have fantastic productivity surges and I am able to accomplish nearly everything I want to, until reality crashes the party.   Then I get caught in guilt and shame spirals where I beat myself up and it only makes it harder to do anything because I feel so crappy and I feel helpless against my unreasonable un-productivity.  I'll give you an example.  I really don't like doing dishes.  Normally I just do them anyway, and push through and pretend I'm a real and responsible grown-up.  (Or I totally jam out to loud music to make it fun.)  But sometimes, such as some unspecified three days last week, they unsuspectingly pile up to incomprehensible levels that may or may not contain every single bowl and utensil in my entire house and it becomes so awful and overwhelming that I will mean to do them, and constantly try to start, and feel completely awful that I haven't, but I'm never actually able to do it.  For three days people!  That is just super gross.  This is an extreme case, yes.. but sometimes the worse the problem, the harder it is to face.  But the more I actually do get done, when I finally break do break out of my stupor, is fantastic and encouraging.  The hope is that productivity is contagious.  So maybe it is possible to slowly turn my weaknesses into strengths.  Eventually.

And since I already re-formatted this goal/"to do"/productivity-planner/page/list/thingie for myself, why not share, if it could be useful to others.  So here you are.  Just click on the image and save it to your computer, and then you can print it out with whatever program you have that prints .jpg files.  So if you happen have my particular brand of crazy, you are welcome to make use of it.*  Or alternately you can use it like a regular planner, if you are normal and your grown-up-ness isn't broken.  You're welcome.  I make no guarantees as to its efficacy.  That part is up to you.

*Just don't be mean and try and sell it or things made from it, ok.  But that is just common sense and decency, right?

Brain Vomit: or the post where I get overly deep and all psychoanalytical and even (gasp) religious

I just so happen to be an occasional mental hypochondriac.  I do not think I am alone in this as it happens to be quite the trendy thing to do to claim to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Bi-Polar Personality Disorder or Attention Deficit Disorder.  Some times though our issues are big enough to have severely mucked up the chemistry in our brain.  But sometimes we are just self diagnosed wikipedia psychiatrists who borrow a convenient mental illness to blame our problems on.  The real point is we all have issues; big ones as well as small ones.  It is human nature to sympathize with others diagnoses and problems.  It is how we relate to others.  Diagnosed mental illnesses (professionally or not) are good and helpful and all, but they can become crippling and lead to feeling trapped by your own label.  And while medication is good and very helpful and all and totally needed in tons of circumstances.  But the underlying caveat is: it alone will not fix you.  YOU NEED TO FIX YOU (working with the medicine, if necessary and/or a REAL psychiatrist).  But the desire and willingness to change has to come from YOU.  (you know and/or help with God.)  Whether you believe in Him or not.  Even if you do (believe) He can't help you if YOU'RE not trying.  Its not like faith is magic.*  So it is still up to YOU.  God doesn't force anybody to do anything.  EVER.  (which is WHY evil things happen, by the way)

*unless you ask my son, who has said, and I quote: "Everyone is a muggle, except for Jesus."

God loves us no matter what we do or believe or anything.  He is going to love and try to help out atheists, or hardened criminals or overly religions judgmental and hypocritical zealots alike. Whether they are going to recognize it or not.  Seriously, and this shouldn't be a novel concept.  Cause He loves everyone.  Fo' reals.  And following eternal truths leads to happiness which is what he wants for everyone.  And one eternal truth is trying to become a better person.  Which most everyone is trying to do.  Because they have love (to some degree or another) for those around them.  And love makes us want to be better people.  Thus, you know the whole two great commandments.  (love God, love your neighbor).  Whether you cite the Bible or cite the Beatles (all you need is love), it is still truth.  And when you live your life for the love of others (as opposed to being the center of your own narcissistic universe) it makes you happy.

And yes while we sympathize with others we also do the polar opposite; we judge.  Which is really stupid.  I am not saying I do not do this (I totally do, and it is dumb).  'Cause everybody does.  That is the part where we think we're better.  And sure, sometimes we all have different truths that we have figured out better than other people.  BUT JUST KNOWING TRUE THINGS DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON.  We can all learn from each others strengths and knowledge and experience.  No matter what they look like, no matter what religion (or lack thereof) they are, no matter their social class or geographical location, or political affiliation or mental illness or physical deformity or gender or race or shape (or the lack thereof), or beauty or sexual orientation or even age.  That is the hard part.  We can't figure it all out on our own.  Of course you have to filter out all the crap wrong things too... its not like it is easy.  Whatever resonates with you.   And holds true.   (which if you ARE religious, is the Spirit: but truth is true whether you believe it or not) And sometimes our own personal truths evolve as we are ready to learn it on a deeper level.  And sometimes we are dead wrong.  But there is usually a grain of truth in everything.

So find truth and then LIVE it.  I don't care where you find it.  I happen to be a Mormon, but I realize you can find pieces of truth everywhere.  There are also misconceptions and crap everywhere too, including in the culture of the LDS Church.  (And for heavens sake, I don't need them pointed out to me, mmm-k!)  Because nobody is perfect.  One of my very favorite scriptures of all time, and don't totally zone out... is in the Book of Mormon Mormon9:31, written by Mormon's son Moroni... and he basically says that neither he nor his father (or any of the many other prophets that wrote in the book) are perfect, and we shouldn't condemn them, but learn from their weaknesses that we may learn to be MORE perfect than they have been.  So when we see other people's mistakes, we shouldn't judge them, but learn from them.

The best thing (in my own personal opinion) that the LDS church teaches is that we can and should search truth for yourself.  Between you and God.  Or you and your own conscience, whatever you believe.   Truth does nobody any good whatsoever if you just talk about it.  Actually BE nice to people, even (or especially) when they don't deserve it.  Control your own emotions and destiny.  Decide to be happy and look for good things in situations and people and life.  And that is what you will see, and live.  Your life is what you focus on.  Another favorite quote of mine by Abraham Lincoln is: "Most people are about as happy as they want to be".  There is good and bad in everyone, and inherent strengths and weaknesses in everyone.  The difference is that you get to choose which parts of you to focus and act on.  Your choice.  You are the instigator of your own life and not the victim.

So I am venting, brain spew, and being all preachy.  (And it is all sorts of disorganized.)  Call it what you want, take it how you will.  You certainly don't have to agree with me.  I know that I certainly don't know everything and I'm screwed up just like everybody else. 

But I've decided to be more open, even if that means I make my mistakes out in public.  I generally like to hide, and be safe in obscurity.  But I have things to say.  I am going to endeavor to get my opinions out of my head.  I am not going to hide anymore (probably).  I'm going to say them, and they just might be controversial.  And later I might think I'm stupid and disagree with myself... but I'm putting myself out there anyway.  Even though it is scary.  And people aren't going to agree with me and that is totally fine.  Just don't be a prick about it.  Disagree respectfully please.