Thursday, January 6, 2011

On why I am not the world's biggest cold cereal fan

First, honestly, how can that much processed preservatives and fake chemical vitamins cemented together with glucose be good for you at all? I'm not normally of the ultra hippie, all organic persuasion either, but have you looked at the ingredient list for cereals? I'll bet half of the chemicals listed are banned by the TSA and are on the baggage confiscation list at airports as well as being known carcinogens according to the state of California.

Secondly, it never lasts me longer than an hour or two, before I'm way hungrier than I was before I consumed said 'breakfast'. Even when its NOT a sugar coated concoction of insulin inducing craziness. You'd think a whole grain based cereal wouldn't cause the same debilitating drop in blood sugar. But it does. For me. I might as well eat a candy bar with a multivitamin. It would last as long, taste a whole lot better, and probably be just as healthy.

Thirdly, its the equivalent of a culinary time bomb. You have 1.6 minutes to inhale your cereal before it becomes an unappetizing mass of lactose suspended gelatinous particles. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself in possession of slightly above average amounts of courage and toughness than is generally thought of for my sex, and I enjoy a bit of extreme sportiness. Just not in my morning repast.

Fourthly, In a Herculean effort to expand the cereals time sensitive aptitude for sogginess, they have created indigestible clumps of mouth destroying, mastication nightmares. You literally have to build up scar tissue on the roof of your mouth to protect against the onslaught of razor edged, diamond hard, vitamin enriched, dehydrated food particles. Honestly, its like war! And this new genetically enhanced cereal gives you a mere .259 minute time advantage before it also reverts to its atomic constituents more closely resembling decomposing swamp matter.

Fifthly (yeah, that's a mouthful of grammatical incorrectitude... however I'd rather be consistent... so bite me). I don't even like the taste of most cereals. Just not a big fan. There are a few I'll spring for on occasion when amnesia gets the better of me. My favorite being Cranberry Almond Crunch... but that whole box contains about 2.15 actual bowls of cereal and is priced as if gold plated. (and you STILL need to consume in small quantities in excess of land speed records to beat its time bomb/soggy factor)

..and lastly, I am a big fat hypocrite, because despite all of these factors, it is still way too fast, too easy and too convenient, and is the only proven way to ensure my kids get a modicum of calcium every day. Thus, despite my strong feelings to the contrary, my kids (though not me) consume it every morning almost without fail.

I HAVE strong opinions and principles. I just lack the motivation and will power to uphold them.

11 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. The worst offender on all fronts is captain crunch. There's actually a pretty funny bit on family guy where Captain Crunch wants the mob to kill Count Chocula. Anyway, I usually resort to bisquik pancakes and scrambled eggs. They're just about as easy, and they fill you up a lot longer.

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  2. I'm with ya. I've never really liked cold cereal. Averie doesn't much either, though. She'd rather have toaster waffles every day, and she gets her calcium from the yogurt she insists on smearing them with. LOL

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  3. Actually, is it cool if we start having candy bars and vitamins for breakfast? That really does sound awesome.

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  4. Let them have it Liesel! For some strange reason, I like my tasty carcinogens. I usually only have about 2.5 seconds to get and then inhale breakfast before someone tries to steal it or someone else starts screaming bloody murder, so the sogginess factor doesn't get to me. And yes, no matter the sugar/fiber content, after an hour I'm ready for second breakfast. The real reason I buy cereal however is for snack time while we are out. There's nothing like stale applejacks to quiet a whining 2yo.

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  5. Enjoyed that C! Though tempted to debate and differ on a few points- you presently it so wonderfully that I must refrain. Besides, we're bigger egg fans for breakfast around here than anything else... Healthy and packed with protein, etc too. YAY!

    Blog more, eh? xoxo!

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  6. Jen, I applaud your reference to second breakfast. I'm usually too busy these days to have any more cereal until elevensies.

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  7. Most charming rant ever! (BTW, you could always try Grape Nuts--only they WILL attack the roof of your mouth and are NOT fast to eat, and so defeat half the purpose of cold cereal . . . )
    I actually made an egg-and-green pepper-and-mushroom scramble for a breakfast burrito the other day (so I could hope to sing early in the morning)--and it actually stayed with me all morning! So I agree with Mary's egg breakfast thing (besides, cholesterol in your food doesn't convert to blood cholesterol, according to my chiropractor neighbor/friend!!).

    Such FINE PROSE, though! (Did I say that already?) Glad to see you back on your blog again.

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  8. I was getting mad amounts of spam comments a while ago, so I changed the settings so I have to approve them before they show up. I don't like it as much, but I don't have all the spam anymore.. so its worth it.

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  9. Sounds good to me. I just didn't notice the info below the comment box before I sent the question.

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  10. LIES THAT WAS SO FUNNY AND SO GOOD! I'm so impressed with your writing. By the way I strongly dislike cereal too. It's expensive and you can never seem to eat enough to not feel hungry for a while. I often here moms say "Melissa there's a huge cereal sale at Walmart." I always feel like saying "yah because cereal is crap."

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