#365 Drawings: just a bit of silliness 17/365

I mostly just dislike Politics

Please don't take this offensively.  I am just being silly and making fun of how BOTH sides are being silly, and aren't even arguing about the same things.  It is also EXAGGERATED for humor.  That is called hyperbole people.  It is meant to be funny.  Not offensive.  :)  I almost didn't post it because of the high political tension.. but I think I am hilarious, and haven't posted a drawing (even though this is VERY rough and unpolished) for a long time, so you lucked out.

#365 drawings: Owl 1/365

1/365  Just for fun.. that and my kids love owls.

Day one. 

I debated about lots of this.  Actually committing to do one drawing a day for a year.  (gulp)  If I was really going to do it, where I would showcase some (or not) and other stuffs (that I can't think of now, but it seems there should of necessity be more to list).  Mostly my fear of public commitment, and my knowledge of my flaky self.  I know it will be good for me, I need to be more productive with art.  I've never been prolific at drawing, I am too critical and perfectionistic to churn out loads just for the numerical quality.  So I knew it would be good for me to break out of that box.  And it would be a chance to draw just for fun, and not for illustrative book purposes.  To remember that I love to do it.  Not that I don't love it when a drawing/illustration is going well.  I wouldn't do it (or have gotten this far, which isn't very, but for me, it is) if I didn't like it.  But there is a lot less pressure when the drawing is just for drawing, and nothing else.  And if I don't like it, I (probably) won't show it.  And I don't want to be consumed by it (I am already bad at general house upkeep anyway, and have a half a trillion partially completed sewing projects not done) but it really will be good for me.  And my billionth new attempt at a new schedule/self discipline.  Because my grown-up-ness is broken.  (Which I recently surmised from various sources I can't be bothered to remember now may actually be RELATED to my being a creative person, which is an interesting idea, and helps me be less guilt ridden)

And I may actually have incentive to post these and not half finish them to sit and rot in my unpublished post box.  Like so many others...  (there are lots currently about apathy, and such which, shockingly... are so pathetic I can't and don't even want to finish them.)

I've sort of been in a dark place.  A self discovering place.  But not a very nice to myself, want to share how pathetic I've been feeling sort of place.  Even though that can be helpful to others and healing and such.  I'm not always that brave.

Enough of that.  I am getting super off topic.  And I am determined to NOT go back and meticulously edit the crazy out of my posts (or not, and therefore not publish them).  So I had better stick to my reason for posting.  I am very scared of doing this.  And I don't like to be a follower... (I'm a self proclaimed antiestablishmentarian)  So it really isn't like me to jump on the bandwagon.  Even someone who I admire.  BUT that is a stupid excuse to not do it.  I realize I actually don't use my blog much to showcase my art (I am really actually pretty shy about my art, I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but it freaks me out to share it) at least as much as I could.  Partly because I haven't bothered to learn the "rules" about what I'm expected to know about unpublished disclosure and blah, blah, blah.  So I don't know if I'm shooting myself in the foot by showing off art that may later want to be copyrighted by a publisher...  ANYWAY.. going off topic again.  The other reason I'm reluctant to share more art on my blog is I get compulsive about checking the comments (or usually lack thereof) and care way too much about other people's feedback then I have any right to.  Basically I am way more insecure than I should be.  Especially when it has to do with my art.  There you go.  Full nekid disclosure.

But in the vein of not going for perfection and not having this take over my life, neither the drawing or the writing in these posts will be cleaned up and/or picked over incessantly.  I'm not even going to scan the drawings (unless they are illustrations which I'll use later) just take pictures of them.  (Blast that crummy instagram is too snotty to let those of us "losers" without smart phones play their exclusive game.)

Which is WHY then I should fight my fears and do it anyway.  So I am.  Wish me freakish luck.  I desperately need it.

On productivity and my general lack of it.

complete with personal neurosis

In yet another desperate attempt to be a better taskmaster for myself (ie. real grown-up) I have come up with again, another solution.  (Because I've certainly never addressed that issue on my blog before, ever...)  I need to be more accountable and organized and stuff, so I can be productive.  I don't really want to use (and thus use up, as it is almost full) my current planner, because then I'd have to make a new one... and I'm so crazy overwhelmed with creative projects right now I just cannot even fathom the thought of having to make a new one (even though I have already planned on what paper I want to make my new one with).  Therefore I re-adjusted the planner page I previously designed to a single page printout that I can just print off whenever I'd like, hang on the fridge, and throw away and such when I am done.  (as opposed to binding it all together in a beautiful, yet time consuming planner).  And I'm using it differently than I have my beautiful red planner.  It is basically a glorified "to do" list.  But without as much guilt... maybe.   ...hopefully.  I list things that need to be done on the right side and things that I DO on the left side.  (even if I list them retroactively)  Then I can both cross things off as I accomplish them and feel productive anyway with things I did that weren't on the list.  And whatever isn't done, if it deems itself worthy it can be moved to the next weeks list.  Or not, so as to not feel overly bogged down by OLD goals.  (I have weird mental tricks..) Who wants to do an old guilt laden thing, when there are bright and shiny new ideas to chase?  Which couldn't possibly be the reason for my creative buildup, right?

Also works for when you happen to decide you must go bunny shopping instead of everything else on your "to do" list

I may have ADD.. or clinically: ADHD-I, the sort with the inattentive subtype, but who really speaks that language ;).  Remember how I might be a mental hypochondriac?  Yeah... so who knows really.  I do know that I beat myself up for being lazy and am a massive procrastinator and I get crazy distracted by so many useless things ALL THE STUPID TIME!  And how I currently have no less than 26 uncompleted drafts of blog posts that I have started, but not finished.  And countless sewing projects that have been abandoned in various stages of completion.  And how I have been working on illustrating the children's book I wrote for going on something like 6 years.  And how sometimes the only time I get anything done is when I'm avoiding doing something else.  I should be able to get so much more done (even with kids.)  So, maybe I do have ADD.   But I'm thinking/hoping it isn't bad enough to warrant medication.. (what I have actually tried, it didn't help and I hated it)  This is my current way to fight back.  We'll see how well it works...

The glimmer of hope is that sometimes I have fantastic productivity surges and I am able to accomplish nearly everything I want to, until reality crashes the party.   Then I get caught in guilt and shame spirals where I beat myself up and it only makes it harder to do anything because I feel so crappy and I feel helpless against my unreasonable un-productivity.  I'll give you an example.  I really don't like doing dishes.  Normally I just do them anyway, and push through and pretend I'm a real and responsible grown-up.  (Or I totally jam out to loud music to make it fun.)  But sometimes, such as some unspecified three days last week, they unsuspectingly pile up to incomprehensible levels that may or may not contain every single bowl and utensil in my entire house and it becomes so awful and overwhelming that I will mean to do them, and constantly try to start, and feel completely awful that I haven't, but I'm never actually able to do it.  For three days people!  That is just super gross.  This is an extreme case, yes.. but sometimes the worse the problem, the harder it is to face.  But the more I actually do get done, when I finally break do break out of my stupor, is fantastic and encouraging.  The hope is that productivity is contagious.  So maybe it is possible to slowly turn my weaknesses into strengths.  Eventually.

And since I already re-formatted this goal/"to do"/productivity-planner/page/list/thingie for myself, why not share, if it could be useful to others.  So here you are.  Just click on the image and save it to your computer, and then you can print it out with whatever program you have that prints .jpg files.  So if you happen have my particular brand of crazy, you are welcome to make use of it.*  Or alternately you can use it like a regular planner, if you are normal and your grown-up-ness isn't broken.  You're welcome.  I make no guarantees as to its efficacy.  That part is up to you.

*Just don't be mean and try and sell it or things made from it, ok.  But that is just common sense and decency, right?